How anxiety holds me hostage.
Communication is a big deal. Being able to communicate with other people is huge. Being able to communicate effectively is a learned skill.
Something I've been made aware of recently is that my written communication is stronger than my verbal communication, especially when I'm anxious or nervous in any capacity. My verbal communication becomes a struggle sometimes before I even know I'm anxious or can tell why I am experiencing anxiety. I was at a coffee shop recently and my friend asked me what I wanted and I literally felt my words escape my brain and I didn't know why because it wasn't a situation that should have been hard but for some reason in that moment my brain decided to panic. I stood there while she tried to suggest things for me and help me decide what I wanted, what she didn't know is that the decision about what I wanted was only half of the situation I was now in. It was only a few moments but it felt like eternity while I tried to find the words for what I wanted. I knew what I wanted in my head but the idea of making the words was terrifying. It wasn't like the menu was in another language or was made up of things I'd never heard of before so it shouldn't have been an issue, yet for some reason my brain decided it was a problem. I felt like I was less than in that moment, and that I shouldn't be an adult or allowed to leave my house and interact with people. This isn't the first time this has happened; though it doesn't happen every time I go somewhere and have to order/ask for something. Words can be really hard sometimes. I didn't know that words being hard was anxiety, I just thought it was my brain being “less than” or messed up from my concussions. Which I mean at times it probably has been a combination of my brain injuries and my anxiety.
I hadn't realized how my writing was different than my verbal communication. I thought that I could communicate adequately for the most part and that my struggles with words was because my brain was injured. There’s something about verbal communication that makes things “real” in a way that is different than the written language. I think sometimes speaking words increases the significance or power and reality that they bring. Sometimes saying things as words is needed, and helpful. Yet sometimes it's really, really hard because what if it sounds different in words than it does inside my head where it’s “safe”? People can't have opinions about things if I keep them hidden in my head, and don’t say them aloud. Putting my thoughts out into the world by speaking them aloud can take effort and can feel quite risky at times. Even simple things like saying “hello” can be surrounded by insecurity and hesitance. If hello is hard then forget asking anything or offering information that belongs in the vault inside my head. Communicating isn't always as easy as it seems; sometimes it takes a lot of energy to have a basic conversation, but other times I can speak about things that I normally keep in the vault (my head). Communicating is a skill, a skill that can be affected by things you see coming and things you don't. I can wake up thinking I can communicate good that day and then it turns out I can't or I think that I can't and it goes better than I anticipated.
Communicating is something that holds a lot of power and weight. It's the key to so many locks, and the basis for so many structures. Anxiety impacts communication in different ways for different people and doesn’t always have the same impact you would expect for similar situations. Anxiety doesn’t always present itself in the ways society tells us it will and each person who has anxiety, experiences it differently. Sure there might be similarities, but it can also be different. Sometimes anxiety shows up as physical symptoms, and sometimes it holds our communication skills hostage. Anxiety affects so many people, more than you may think…
Written by: C.