What I need from you as a supporter…
Sometimes family and friends may struggle with how to support victims of abuse and sexual assault survivors. Sometimes saying “I believe you” might not be enough. Particularly if the abuser is known to friends, family and the Survivor. We are in a culture where cancelling or ghosting the abuser is the norm these days but doing that alone may not be sufficient for some of us.
My heart just cringes at those words “ it’s seems so out of character” or "It’s not a side of him that I have ever seen….he has never laid a hand on me.” Those responses are far from supportive.
Our abuser can appear or seem like a pillar of the community to others, someone who projects kindness , a person of faith perhaps, or a parent, relative, friend or spouse… any or all of that. It’s important to understand abusers do not abuse or assault everyone they come into contact with. Questioning or doubting or expecting me to validate my experience based on your own experience with my abuser, is not supporting me. Particularly when it comes attached with your own personal experience which is completely opposite from mine.
Sometimes there is the expectation that some of us Survivors have to keep the peace because it’s a close family member or friend. To make space for them for the sake of everyone else. I can assure you when I am asked to do that you have asked me, the Survivor, to take on the responsibility of keeping the peace and avoid upsetting the rest of the family or friends in that particular social circle, or even my abuser, because it might make them feel uncomfortable. I want you to know asking that of me comes as a huge price. It will affect my anxiety levels, my safety, my mental health and my general overall well being. Do not ask me to do that, because it is unfair, unreasonable and completely out of the question.
There is no excuse for sexually assaulting or abusing someone. Please do not make excuses for them. The abuser’'s mental health or past trauma they may have experienced is not on me. My abuser chose to hurt me. That is on them.
What I need is for you, as a supporter, is to unequivocally believe me without a doubt. What I want from you is to be a strong supporter and show up for me through your actions. I want you to stand up for me. I want you listen and continue to care, because your unconditional support is what matters and what we, as survivors need the most from you. I am not asking you to fix my issues or come up with solutions. It’s really about being present and validating my feelings. This will help me feel more connected, less isolated and valued. I can assure you, it will help tremendously and it would be an integral part of my healing journey.
Written by: Anonymous